from the bottom of my heart,

tears welling up in my eyes,
I wish I knew what I have done,
if only you would realize.
Pain is something I wish I could prevent,
for I hope things will go back to the way they were,
if only I could make you content.
Faking all of this is something I can no longer do,
I hope that you know how much I love you.

words for the sorrowful.

we've got some thing to sort out,
even though you'd never admit,
so caught up in your world to admit your own doubt.
i'm tired of living this lie,
it's holding me down,
it's not something I can deny.
you and I,
we were close as can be,
but now,
I finally see you never could really see the difference between you and me.
____________________________________________
two friends, lives so close,
how did it all end up like this,
only God knows.
You said you needed time,
I was never good enough,
you said you needed time to shine.
Now that I sit here now,
I only feel deprived of that relationship we once had,
I beg you to tell me what i've done,
because never have I felt so bad.

it's coming down to nothing more than apathy,

I am tired of being pessimistic and apathetic. My attitude on most everything has changed, and I want to fix it. People tell me all the time that I am and i'm sick of it. God created me to be a person filled with Him and His light, not a person with the absence of Him and His light. I used to be such a happy person, and something broke inside of me. I'm not that person anymore, and that needs to change. People telling me this all the freaking time made me realize this. I can't help it if I have morals- it's who I am. If people have an issue with that, they need to either address it or move on. That is never going to change. What is going to change is me and my over-all attitude on life. I'm determined.

dating.

I'm sure you all know exactly what i'm talking about. It's the thing that all fathers seem to despise and the thing that all teenage girls (most of them anyway) love to talk about. Dating. I remember when I was little, I always had the image in my head when I was older and I'd be swept off my feet by that boy. And the rule was always that I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16. But now, it's so weird to imagine that if the opportunity presented itself, I would have that privilege. Even if that is the case, I personally know that right now isn't a good time for me to be in a relationship. I know that with a full heart and try to live with that in mind every day, but it's hard at times. Most of my friends are seniors and lately it seems that within our circle of friends, love has been in the air... For everyone except me. It's especially hard when it's supposed to be a 'girls' night, but they're all texting there boys, reading cute texts that they've sent aloud, all the while, I get a text from my mom saying I need to be home within the hour. Sound romantic? It's not. This topic has always been something i've been passionate about. The idea of an actual courtship is so foreign to most people these days, and I find that so sad. Being involved in one night stands and affairs seems so much more common than the idea of having an actual relationship; the action of getting to know one another, learning to love each other and staying pure before marriage. I've seen how making that mistake that takes a toll on people one too many times, and that's something I don't even want to feel. The utter hurt within there soul and the pain that he or she just can't seem to escape. I made the decision a long time ago that I would remain pure before marriage, no matter the cost or circumstance. But after seeing how easily ones mind is swayed, even if he or she may be a God-loving, God-seeking follower of Christ, I refuse to believe that making a commitment is enough. Temptation is inevitable in some situations, but I will not put myself into those situations. In those cases, Satan is looking for any opportunity to put a seed of doubt in my head, and I refuse to let him. When I made that promise years ago, not only did I promise to stay physically pure, but mentally pure as well. I will not give over my feelings to a boy in high school. And I feel like in saying this, I may come off super confident, but let me tell you, it's hard. I try as hard as I can to surround myself with good, Christian influences at school, but let's face it, i'm not going to always be around those types of people. And when i'm not, guess what happens? Satan attacks. I've had conversations with girlfriends of mine about different guys at school, and you know what every single one of them says, every single time? 'Taylor, you're such a prude. If you think he's cute, just sleep with him.' I refuse to live like that, living in our society's way, because you know what? Living the way God wants me to live may cause a little heartache, but living the way the world wants me to live, i'm putting my soul on the line, and that's something I refuse to do.

photography

So recently, in taking tons of pictures for both my highschool newspaper and yearbook, i've discovered a new passion of mine. Photography. I've always loved taking pictures, but with the hugely expensive cameras and zoom lenses that I get to use, i've discovered it's even more fun taking pictures with that equipment. My favorite thing to take pictures of is swim and dive. It's crazy how good some of the pictures come out. For example, here's one:

beating hearts

tied together in a perfect bow,
you and me were.
little did we know,
things were soon to be broken.
A shattered heart I had, never had I felt so low.

tied together with a smile,
you said you loved me so.
as I sit here now,
Never have I felt so low.

about the truth

Do I really worship God?

Do I 'worship' him with my mouth, or with my actions?

Do I 'worship' him with the song of my lips, or the song of my life?

Do I 'worship' him for 20 minutes on Sunday morning, or do I worship Him all day, every day?

Do I 'worship' him thinking that He can't see right through me, or do I acknowledge him for the God he is?

Do I 'worship' him with sin in my heart, or do I worship him with a repentant heart?

Do I 'worship' him with my nose in the air, or my face on the ground?

Do I 'worship' him with my fleshly deception, or in spirit and truth?

Is my faith dead, or am I a living sacrifice?

Do I really worship God?


I need to think about this every single day. Because if i'm not, then I have a problem.

it's taking me down; He's taking me down.

I feel terrible right now. These past few weeks have been nothing but craziness, and after a day like this, all I feel like doing is curling into a ball and shedding every tear I have in my body. It seems everything in my life right now is falling apart. Certain relationships, certain situations... I just don't know what to do anymore. Lately me and one of my really close friends were talking and I just couldn't stand it anymore. I feel like he's always (figures. it WOULD be a guy) pointing out my flaws. From my habits and how I tend to be pessimistic at times to the little things I do, so many of the different things I do he seems to have an issue with. In my family, we're financially struggling (then again, who isn't?) and it just seems to add to the stress of everything else. Every little thing I say or they say sets one of us off, and the next thing you know, we're all in bad moods in the midst of fights. It's only second week of school and I already feel myself being worn thin. From newspaper and yearbook editor meetings to the the square root of pie, I am already feeling exhausted. Just writing this right now, I feel like weeping. I don't know what to do. God seems to be farther and farther away, and I don't know what to do about it.

summcamp 2009

Each year after summer camp, I always think it's good to look over my notes and think and pray over everything that i've taken in during those five or so days. Then, I write a reflection of sorts. So... here goes.
This year, I was sort of skeptical about our speaker. Usually with speakers, they're all typically incredible, but from time to time, they can tend to be a little hit and miss. However, as Eric House said "with Smedly Yates as a name... how could he not be awesome? His name is Smedly!" And I have to concur with that statement. On the first night he was speaking about the Domain of Darkness and the Kingdom of a Son. Obviously, those two places are complete opposites, and he pointed out several verses that reinforced that fact even more. He was saying that these two kingdoms are mutually exclusive, and that there is zero neutrality and that you belong to only one. As humans, I feel like at times, all of our relationships with Jesus is so constantly up and down. And a lot of time, I think a lot of us feel like we're in the middle. We give some things in our life to God, but not all. And that's the problem. You either have to be so incredibly sold out for God that He is what you breathe, speak and live or you're not truly on of His. That's how it has to be. There's no middle ground in being a follower of Jesus Christ. One of the biggest thing that Christ taught me during camp was the fact that I wasn't living my life totally sold out for Christ like I should be as a professing follower of Christ. Growing up in a Christian home like I did is somewhat of a blessing and a curse at the same time. I have all the necessary head knowledge. I know what to say, act like and do, but living my life that way is a different story. Actions reveal our heart, and my actions weren't revealing what I wanted them to reveal. If we're faking it on the outside in our relationship with God and aren't obedient, it'll eventually lead to false assurance. When he said that, it scared me so much because that's how I was living. Have you ever been in sin for a long time and realized that you were living in it and didn't do anything about it? That was me, is me. I knew living the way I was living was so wrong... yet I continued to live that way in defiance torward God. At first, in living that way, in almost feels like getting away from God is working... but in the end, it only eats away at you, bit by bit. In the end, you've only sufferend and endured what you thought was worth it.
The idea of hell is something that i've never truly allowed myself to deeply think about; until camp that is. In our world, the idea of hell is made out to be a somewhat comical matter. People seem to be able to use the word hell in just about every sentence. However, as our speaker pointed out, Jesus believes in a real literal place called hell, where unrepentant sinners will endure the wrath of God without relief, forever. That realtiy hit me so hard. You cannot avoid God in eternity; there is zero escape. Because God is infinitely good, he will will leave no sin unpunished. Thinking about hell forever will motivate compassion for others. Instead of rebuking people in our lives for how they walk, talk and act like we so often do (at least I know I do), think about whether or not based on what you've seen in there life if there going to hell or not.
Faith: A gift from God. A god-given desire and desperate relization that we need rescue. Without that, our relationship with Jesus Christ will never be complete.
God doesn't want us destroying our lives with idols. Nothing under the sun has the ability to give us the ultimate satisfaction that is necessary in our lives like Jesus Christ can. In my life, I didn't realize that for quite a while. Living my life in such a way that was so selfish and wordly. Without Christ in our lives, deep within our soul, the world's ways will never fail to look attractive. It's our human nature. It's how we were made. But once you have Christ in your life, those wants will slowly melt away. It won't be easy, but you won't be living the same life you were living before. Realizing all of this is everything i've ever needed to know.

falling out of place

Have you ever met someone that you just want so badly to have a relationship with? Everything about them is the epitome of what you think you need. Everything about them is everything you are. Who they are now, who they want to be in the future, what they believe, and what they're passionate about. That's how I feel right now. But those feelings shouldn't be like that for me right now. I hate being a teenager. I can't think clearly. My feelings over rule everything in my life most days. I never know what I want. It gives me hell. God, please help me.

I am

I am me.
I am a child of the creator.
I am merely only a person, full of sinful nature,
and things only a God such as mine can forgive.

I am me.
Full of lies and envy,
toward others who will never forgive me.
My Lord, the righteous one, is the only one who will ever be able to forgive me for what I have done.
I am me.
A child of my Lord, Jesus Christ.

crazy poetry

I am just another person in the crowd.
I wonder if anyone actually hears me.
I hear them whispering and scheming, although they think I don't pay attention.
I see the way they act when I walk, trying to avoid meeting my eyes.
I want them to understand where I am coming from.
I am just another person in the crowd.

I pretend to be happy.
I feel like I have too, to please the one's around me.
I worry that people will never quite understand where i'm coming from.
I cry because I cannot help but feel sorry for myself, no matter how much I regret it.
I am just another person in the crowd.

I understand that not everyone is going to want to be my friend in life.
I say that things aren't really as bad I make them out to be.
I dream that one day, I won't feel like this all the time.
I try and see where people are coming from, even if they do act negatively toward me.
I hope that maybe they'll understand why I feel the way I do.
Because I,
I am just another person in the crowd.

poetry 101

What would happen if I were to die?
Would you miss me?
Or would you let me go?

Let me fade away,
And let me disappear from you life.
Never to return until you granted it so.

Never did you speak of me,
Always afraid of having to fight the battle,
Of who to forgive and who to forget.

Never did you think of me, or of what it would be like,
To be with me again and not have to fight.

that girl

Never had she realized before that she was beautiful.
Living day by day,
Never realizing that she was everyting any other girl would want,
but couldn't have.

She never knew the person she was,
was just the person everyone around her loved.

Never denying the lies,
and always doubting the truth,
of who to forgive,
and who to blame.

quite possible the best/funniest video EVER

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I'm going to do with my life, and thinking about it is nerve-wracking. School ends in five days... and that scares me! It's so weird, thinking that next fall, i'll already be a junior in high school. I feel like just last week I was a tiny freshman with long hair and braces thinking that high school would take forever... but I'm so much different now. Everything that God has done in my life for the past two years has changed me and everything about me so drastically. I can only imagine what He has in store for me and the next two years of high school. Thinking about college and being an adult sort of makes me want to go and lock myself in my closet and never come out. I mean, I already know that i'm going to community college at least the first year after high school... but what about after that? Or boys, or my career, or kids, or money... the list goes on. Thinking about all of that stresses me out to the fullest. In thinking about all of this (Because I sort of act like it's the end of the world that I don't know what i'm going to do in the future, when really I should just rely on God) i've realized that I need to rely on God. Because without Him in my life, and me relying on him in everything I say, do and think, I would be like ten thousand times more insane than I already am. And that would be nuts. So, time to rely on God more. Now, how to do that... that's another story.

final copy

I posted a thing a couple weeks ago about adults perception on teens and how a good majority of them don't really respect us, and after that, I decided to write an editorial on it for my school newspaper. Hence, the final copy. Enjoy. :)

In today’s world, many people have different opinions about teenagers. Over the years, a stereo-typical attitude has been built against teens.
Whether or not people think we’re irresponsible, disrespectful or just uncaring in general, many have negative opinions about teenagers.
Although every single student here on campus is guilty of those actions, we are not all as bad as adults may perceive us to be. Kids our age will be disrespectful, they will be antagonizing. However, it all comes with the age.
Most kids my age are not going to have everything figured out, nor are they going to be the ones with much self preservation.
Although teens may act that way, we’re not all as bad as some adults think we are.
Sometimes, I’m not sure if adults think about how our generation of people will be the, the new leaders of this world. You would think that would be obvious, however, I’m not sure if that is the case.
In 2012, when the next presidential election takes place, the majority of people my age will definitely be taking part in that process. And then soon after that, we will be the one’s in offices, we will be the ones in nursery homes taking care of our elders. People have to accept the fact that although they may not respect us now, they will have to eventually because of the responsibility that we will soon all have to take on.
Many adults demand respect from us, yet don’t even respect us in the first place.
In this world, people aren’t expected to get along. There is no way for all of us to all agree with one another, but if adults demand respect from us but don’t ever even give it to us, what is that teaching us?
I realize that people my age are ignorant, irresponsible and disrespectful. I fall into that every single day. But the thing I’m not sure some adults realize is that not all teenagers are like that all the time.
Whether or not they realize it or even care in the first place, teenagers can do those things, and some do all the time, but most adults don’t give them the time of day.
I don’t like that people are constantly bagging on people my age for the way we live our lives. At one point, everyone has acted this way. I’m not excusing the fact that teenagers behave badly at times, but teenagers are going to act that way. It’s how we learn from our mistakes and eventually mature into adults.
The people who don’t typically respect my age-group don’t usually like kids in the first place. But what I would ask from those people is that they don’t immediately assume that all teenagers are so terrible and make that judgment call based exclusively on how to we look, talk, and act.
I’m tired of people underestimating people my age. As if we have nothing to offer, nor anything to give. Because, in reality, it is quite the opposite.

be still

ever feel like all your doing is going through the motions?
living life with seemingly no purpose. I know that God is there, I know He is within me. But sometimes, I feel like that presence is absent. Sometimes, the things of this world just make me want to cry. The things of this world are so difficult. If I didn't have Jesus Christ in my life, things would be so much worse. I can only imagine what one feels like without God in their life going through the trials that we go through.

cause I stole your soul,

Baby just ask once more
'Cause I saw your door wide open,
but the floor is still freezing.
Hailey, I was sick and I'm still quite unwell.
Tell me it's you or nothing at all.

'Cause I stole your soul
You said I'd never be able
But oh, the whole world is still on my string

Second time now and you've done this before
Drive around the back so I can't see them,
But you're still freezing.
Let me take your coat and your keys and this car,
'Cause I’ve been unwell far too long now.

'Cause I stole your soul
You said I’d never be able
But oh, the whole world is still on my string, oh

But oh, the whole world is still on my string
And oh, the whole world is still on my string,
Yeah, is still on my string

silence

this life is so hard sometimes. when I have days like these, I want to curl into a ball and cry. Ever feel that way?

I know, i'm encouraging.

no title.

In today's world, many people have many opinions. That right is within our human nature, a thing that God gave to us. But sometimes, I wonder why people believe the things they do. One thing specfically has been on my mind lately. The people in my generation are the ones that will be doing so many different things in the near future. The next election? The majority of people my age will definitely be participating in that process. And soon, after high school and after college, some of us will be married and make our world even fuller with people, and bring children into this world. But it seems to me like most older people don't seem to understand that. Don't get me wrong, it's not just them, there are many others who share those sentiments. But to me, it seems like the majority of people who are a little bit older don't really respect us very much. As if we don't understand the world and don't deserve to be recognized. That may be putting it too strongly, however I think their are people like that. Teenagers are ignorant. Teenagers are irresponsible. Teenagers don't respect people on a regular basis. I understand that. I make those mistakes every single day. But not all teens are as bad as most perceive them to be. Teenagers can understand things. Teenagers can act responsibly. Teenagers can respect people. But most people don't even give them the chance. I may be having an optimistic attitude, but I'm so tired of people underestimating people my age. As if we don't have anything to offer, nothing to give. Because, in reality, it is quite the opposite.

hearts the bleed

Lately, i've been thinking a lot about what I want to do with my life. Obviously, I have time to deeply consider that choice, but it's sometimes hard to remember that you have time. In today's age, almost everyone thinks that who you are is your career and that you should have that figured out by the time you're ten. But I don't exactly fit into that category. I don't know exactly what I want to do with my life, but what I do know is that I want to help people. In this world, so many people are hurting so much of the time. So many hearts are bleeding. I have compassion on people and helping them brings me joy. I believe it is a gift from God, something that I will always use in my life. And although I may not know what I will spend the rest of my life doing and how much money I will make, I know that through God's word and his love, I want to stop the hearts that are bleeding.
I may be young and I may be typing these things out of hopes and dreams, but I have Jesus Christ in my life, and with him, all things are possible.
Even though that last part was a really big cliche. :)

sweet sixteen.

So in my turning sixteen yesterday, i've been thinking about getting older and what responsibilites come with it, etc. And you know what i've realized about turning sixteen specifically?
Sixteen ain't so sweet anymore.
This world we live in is filled with crap. It's all about sex, drugs and drinking. I am so sick of seeing it every single day at school. Girls think by going to school half naked will get them somewhere, but in the end, all it is causing is hurt on her part and lust on his. I get that i'm preaching to the choir here. None of this is anything new; nothing that any of you haven't heard about. I get that this all comes with the world we live in and most of all, sin. But I am so tired of seeing people screw up their lives. Over and over and over agian. Most sixteen girls should be concerned about their homework not whether or not their hook up with a guy over the weekend. I don't want to live like that. I hope and pray to God that he gives me the courage, strengh and discernment to stay away from that, because I tire from the selfish mediocricy that most all of us seem to want to live by.
"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind so that you will able to test and approve what God's will is, his perfect, pleasing and good will." Romans 12:2

the inaugaration

Yesterday Barack Obama made history. As the 44th president of the United States of America as well as being the first african american president. I do not think that by any far stretch of the imagination that he will make a good president.
"Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions -- who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans." Barack Obama in his Inaguaration speech.
Yeah, that's exactly how I feel. I'm praying so hard that I can pray for Obama. But it's going to be hard.