heart is troubled, faith is small.

Today in church, we talked about faith. I had a realization; something that i'd been thinking about for a long time now. My faith is lacking. I realize i'm stating the obvious. Everyone's faith lack's at some point. It's part of our human nature- our uncanny ability to believe the lies so strongly, yet doubt the truth in an even stronger manner. I live my life so uncaringly towards God. I have no regard for how it will affect my relationship with Him, or what little of that relationship there is left; I don't even care. My desire is gone, my relationship with Jesus no longer full and vibrant, but rather dull and non-existent. I want to change this. I do. I'm tired of feeling empty. I'm tired of sitting at school, letting people assume i'm the Christian girl who reads her Bible and prays before tests and who feels convicted when someone says a bad word. That is a lie. I am not that person, and haven't been for a while. But, I should be. I think about it every night when I'm trying to sleep, and I just can't figure why I don't just start trying. That's all it takes. How can I be so lazy as to not try and have a relationship with Christ when a good percentage of the people I know are going straight to hell when they die and i'm not doing anything about it? It's not right; it's not how it should be. I know better, I know exactly what I need to be doing, but i'm not doing anything at all. It's stupid, idiotic and selfish, and I don't know how to fix it.