the lesson of the summer//summercamp '10

Every year, I usually post kind of a reflection I guess on what I learned at summer camp. It's usually long. This year it's a different story. What I learned this year is simple, uncomplicated and something that every Christ follower should know regardless of how much they hear it. We are children of God. Most days, that sounds almost ordinary, typical and somewhat repetitive because we hear it all the time, at church, at small group and from our mentors. But it's not ordinary, in fact, it's quite the opposite. We are children of the God who controls everything on this planet, the creator of everything ever in existence. Can anyone say that's quite mind boggling? I think so. One would think that something that obvious wouldn't be so surprising or maybe not such a big deal, but I beg to differ. To realize that Jesus has given me the opportunity to follow Him, even after I sin against Him over and over and over again takes my breath away. I don't deserve anything; nothing that I do will every be enough to satisfy what had to be done on the cross. That fact alone should make you want to stop and think, because we aren't worth it, never will be, but yet Jesus Christ died on that cross for you and for me

fader.

You say you need something more,
someone to fill that void,
someone to console your soul,
if you'd realize someone was there,
someone who truly wanted you,
other than her,
would you even care?
As I sit here now,
nothing you do or say takes away how I feel.
How feelings can change so quickly,
i'll always wonder how.
One can only take so much,
one's heart can only deny for so long,
how I feel for you is something you could never take away.
If you looked at me on the street,
would you even realize it was me?
Recognition flashing on your face,
then fading as quickly as it came,
you'd never know.

nothing left to lose.

Lately, i've been thinking. Have you ever felt so empty, so lost it seems like you'll never find your way back? I do. I have been for a while. I don't know what to do with myself. God is taking one by one, the most important people and things in my life from me. He's trying to get my attention, and I'm just now seeing that. I wish it wasn't like that. I wish I would've gotten it a long time ago. Next year will be a turning point in my life. Relationships will change, decisions will have to be made. Living on my own strength is exhausting, did you know that? I feel mentally, emotionally and spiritually drained all the time. This isn't meant to be a pity party- venting, perhaps. My life is a whirlwind, with emotions so high and so low, all so close together, it leaves me breathless. God has to be my King, my focus, my life, my everything. When will I finally understand that? He is the answer to all of my questions, problems and difficulties and yet, I still sit here, feeling so dry, so utterly at a loss. It seems all my posts are the same- begging, pleading even, on a blog, nonetheless, for some answer, some type of help from anyone to get my relationship with God back on track. Yet, nothing changes. This summer, this year, this time- things will change. I will be happy with what God blesses me with, truly, purely happy with a joy that only comes from Him. And until then, I pray with all of my heart, that this desire, this wanting of Him, doesn't go away.

heart is troubled, faith is small.

Today in church, we talked about faith. I had a realization; something that i'd been thinking about for a long time now. My faith is lacking. I realize i'm stating the obvious. Everyone's faith lack's at some point. It's part of our human nature- our uncanny ability to believe the lies so strongly, yet doubt the truth in an even stronger manner. I live my life so uncaringly towards God. I have no regard for how it will affect my relationship with Him, or what little of that relationship there is left; I don't even care. My desire is gone, my relationship with Jesus no longer full and vibrant, but rather dull and non-existent. I want to change this. I do. I'm tired of feeling empty. I'm tired of sitting at school, letting people assume i'm the Christian girl who reads her Bible and prays before tests and who feels convicted when someone says a bad word. That is a lie. I am not that person, and haven't been for a while. But, I should be. I think about it every night when I'm trying to sleep, and I just can't figure why I don't just start trying. That's all it takes. How can I be so lazy as to not try and have a relationship with Christ when a good percentage of the people I know are going straight to hell when they die and i'm not doing anything about it? It's not right; it's not how it should be. I know better, I know exactly what I need to be doing, but i'm not doing anything at all. It's stupid, idiotic and selfish, and I don't know how to fix it.

humanity.

black heart,
cold as ice.
plauged mind,
no thoughts too nice.
my selfish heart,
nothing will ever suffice.
lifeless form,
I am captive to this vice.
souls at stake,
no need to roll the dice.
perfection encompassed in your life,
no one but you could pay the price.

these faces haunt my dreams late at night,
these voices never leaving my head.
these words are unseeing,
and I am unbelieving.
all the while,
time is fleeting.
tick, tock,
tick, tock,
the clock ticks.
nothing will be bring it back,
nothing will save me from myself.
To rely on oneself and keep in the black,
To rely on Him,
the answer is obvious,
yet I hestitate.
this face haunts me in my dreams late at night,
this voice never leaves my head,
these words are unseeing,
and yet I am still unbelieving.

breaking even

waiting through life like it's another day,
when will you realize you have to be happy with how God has it until you find your happiness within someone else?
going through the motions like nothing is wrong,
only few see your tears late at night.
you're hoping you'll be okay soon,
even knowing exactly what has to be done.
holding out hope for someone that will never love you,
when will you realize it isn't about her?
your heart is like glass,
so pure and clear,
yet so fragile and breakable.
the war between your hearts desire and reality has started,
I haven't the power it.
Letting go of you; the hardest thing i'll ever have to do.
Trusting God is what I have to do; knowing you'll come back if it's in His will.
Letting go of you; my heart breaks.
Never knowing what to do, never knowing what to say.
Breath in,
breath out,
in the end,
even if you're gone,
it will be okay.

mere thoughts

your heart is in distress,
your eyes filled with sorrow.
my heart breaks for you; something i'll never be able to oppress.
if only my love was enough,
to take you away from this abyss.
she breaks your heart with her every move,
she never falters in your eyes, never fails to impress.
to take away your disaapointment,
to fix this mess,
is my only goal.
I tried my best,
to mask your pain,
but never had success.
I tried my best,
to take away the mark she's left on you,
but never passed the test.
Anger is rooted deep within my heart,
something I will always detest.
To see you hurt and full of pain,
will always be something I protest.

heartbreak warfare

the difference between love and lust is something hard to comprehend,
one can feel so much,
but never fully mend.
it's seen in my eyes,
everytime you look at me.
but, I don't need your lies.
you told me once you've never love again,
she had taken all you had and threw it away.
yet, the way you look at Her now is too much for me to take.
you say you love her so; my eyes well at the thought.
this is something I can no longer fake.
your words of kindness are only pity, nothing more.
you've won this war; there is nothing you can do to take away this ache.

anger management

Do you know what makes me mad? Fakers.
They're stupid, idiotic fools who think they know what's going on and that they're tricking you but when really, you know everything and they just don't realize it.
It drives me absolutely insane when you talk about your new friendships and how they're going and yet you and I were friends for how long and it seems to mean nothing to you? I don't get it. What's even worse is that you're goal is to make me feel bad and guess what? It's working. I absolutely despise the fact that everytime you talk about your new friendships I feel like i'm getting slapped in the face because I am longer worth it to you, or was ever worth it in the first place.
Move on, get over it and stop shoving all your issues down my throat. You never wanted me and never will, so just leave me alone.

the female brain.

Ladies,
I wish I could understand better how our minds work as a whole. I know that may sound strange, considering the fact that I am, after all, a girl. But some of you, however, are much more kniving, lying, and sadistic than others; especially when it comes to guys. So instead of letting you in on a little secret of the male's brain, i'm going to help them. I've made a list of five things girls do. We all do it, even myself. It's things we do to guys that we think will make the situation better. However, usually... it does the opposite. So here goes.
1. Girls are liars. All of them. Maybe not the crazy, psychopathic, chronic liars (even that's a stretch because I know a few..) Girls will do anything, and I mean anything, to make you feel bad about yourself, to make you have pity on them, and most of all, for you to say sweet things to them and make them feel better about themselves or the situation at hand. That's how they all roll. Whether or not it's a tiny white lie or a web of lies, girls love to do it.
2. We love to act like everything is just fine. It's an intentional pity party. It's one of those situations where the guy knows that things aren't right, no matter how many "don't worry about me's" and "it's fine, move on's" the girls says. Girls, guys aren't stupid; they know when something is wrong, even when you say everything is fine, because guess what? You don't act like everything is fine. If you're gonna fake it, at least fake it good. And if the one who's accepting all that crap is stupid, then great, you get to deal with him. Ladies: If you have something to say, say it already. Most guys don't like you dancing around the truth or better yet, dancing around the lie and faking it the entire time. Spit it out, whatever it may be. Get it done with, beacause it'll eventually come out.
3. We love to play games. Whether it be lying or saying everything is fine, even though you both know it's not, games are a girls best friend. Trying to see if the guy will be tricked, trying to see if we can mess with their brains and get them to say everything is okay; we try it all.
4. We love to fake it (and by it, I mean everything). The stories we tell you, the lies we tell to get a little pity, everything. But guess what? We can't handle it for that long. Because guess what? We explode. Everytime. Only the crazy ones can take it for such a long time, and even then, it blows up in your face at some point. Girls, if you're gonna fake a relationship, good luck. Because each lie, every situation, will make it worse. He'll start to realize that you're crazy and run so fast you won't know what hit you. Don't tell a guy that everything is fine, that you love him and that you just had a bad day and lie about how you are if later that night, you decide you're going to blow up in his face for the stupidest things or better yet, him not realizing that not everything was okay. Because ladies, I hate to tell you, but guys actually believe you. If you tell them everything is okay, they'll believe you (usually). It's not like when you tell them things are alright, in their heads they're like oh, she's lying I wonder what's really going on. Are you retarded? Just tell the truth already. Most guys will appreciate the truth rather than you dancing around the truth because it'll help both you figure out what the heck is going on.
5. Girls: Don't lie. Just don't. I know in every point, i've talked about lying... but seriously. Just don't. If you have something to say, say it. Don't pretend like everything is okay and better yet, don't put your boyfriend, significant other, whoever this guy is, through hell all the time just because you can't figure out what you want with him. Because I can tell you right now, having a best friend who is a guy, it sucks. They have absolutely no idea what's going on, and are sick and tired of your crap. Get it together, figure out what's going on, tell the truth or just move on. Because you're not helping anyone by acting like a stupid, innocent girl who hasn't a clue as to what is going on.

everyone: I don't want this to come out like all girls are like this. Because let me tell you, they're not. We all lie. It's inevitable; it's sin, it's going to happen. That's under no circumstance an excuse, however, it is what it is. Not all girls are crazy. Not all girls mission is to hurt every guy they come across. But guys, guess what? There are girls like that out there. They consider getting to know guys and hurting them a game, nothing more, nothing less. It's a competition for them and they get pleasure out of it. Secondly, let me be clear: I am under no circumstance a love guru or someone who thinks she has relationships or all girls and guys figured out.. trust me. That's not it at all. This all my opinion, and my opinion only. I've met and gotten to know a few girls like the type of girl everything above describes and they're not so cool. This is just my opinion. I really hope that girls aren't offended by any of this, because that was never my intention. In my opinion, all girls act like this at some point. And my advice to you good guys out there... if you see one of these crazies, stay far away. And if you're with one currently... run. Run fast and hard.

beating heart,

beating heart,
so much to live for.
beating heart,
so much is on the line.
beating heart,
how did everything end up this way?
beating heart,
this pain is something that is hard to control.
beating heart,
my soul is caught up in you.
beating heart,
there is only so much I can do.
beating heart,
so much to die for.

i'll be there.

I want to be the girl that makes you smile, even when your heart is breaking.
I want to be the girl that you know will always be their, even when nobody else is.
I want to be the girl that you thank God for every night, because she loves you more than anyone else.
I want to be the girl that makes you laugh when you want to cry.
You will be the boy that will never leave me and always love me.
You will be the boy that loves God more than you'll ever love me and will always put Him first.
You will the boy that makes me feel like no one else in this world.

I want that boy to come soon.

love

love is simple,
love is never easy.
love is breaking hearts,
love will make one uneasy.
love will bring tears your eyes,
love will fill you with joy.
love will reveal lies,
love can destroy.
love is something that only the Heavenly father allows,
love is something that He allows us to enjoy.
love can be peaceful,
love can be magical.
love is never simple,
love is never easy.
love is.

everything changes,

Lately, things in life have been.. difficult. As time goes by, people change, situations change; most everything is affected by time in some way. I realize I am stating the obvious, but it's affected me recently more than normal. Friendships I thought I'd always have aren't there anymore, but friendships I never thought i'd have in the first place are blooming into life-long relationships. It's a funny thing, relationships. We are such selfish creatures. Nothing is ever enough, but everything doesn't seem to be good enough either. I feel like lately, these things have been bogging (when I use that word, I feel like i'm british:) me down. I take that back. I know they've been keeping me down. I have not been relying on God. Everything I thought I had was taken away from me and I didn't know what to do with myself. Instead of depending on God, what did I do? Depend on myself. Of course. The sinful thing to do. I am tired of being miserable. I am tired of feeling sorry for myself and looking for my self worth in other people. Every time I go down that road, everything is all good and fine for a little while, but that feeling comes back every single time. I feel like i've made the promise to myself so many times of not relying on me anymore and relying on God, but it never seems to follow through. I can't tell you how sick I am of that. It's not fair to live like that. I can't promise someone whom I call my Savior my life, and then give Him some things, but keep the others for myself. That's not how it should be. I'm tired of living this way. I'm tired of letting Satan have his grip on me. It isn't enough and it never will be.

too much to let go of,

today is the day,
a deep breath I take in.
today is the day,
things will finally change.
on my knees,
begging for the courage I so desperately need.
only so much can be taken in,
from the beginning to the end.
she doesn't feel the same way I do,
for it will be something that will never change.
today is the day,
I finally let go.
She was the first,
she will be the last,
that ever got the best of me.
She said she cared for me so,
then turned her back,
and ignored my plea.
today is the day,
where even though I will never understand,
I am finally okay.
because I am free of her,
and can finally breathe again.

this is how I feel.

You've been here with me,
for so long it seems.
This bond we have,
is something beyond my wildest dreams.
I'm sorry for putting you through this mess i'm in,
for it seemed like it was beyond my means.
I thank you so much,
for I could've never done it on my own.
I love you so much,
you are my best friend and always will be.




I hope you know who you are :)

truly within,

I am not who you think I am,
living a lie that only God and I can see.
So much more beneath the surface exists,
nothing you've ever cared to look at.
I feel cold inside,
something I can no longer control.
He has me under is grasp,
something I am ashamed to admit.
Anger has taken over,
for sadness is no more.
Anger is bubbling over the edge,
something I must have the strength to control.
Impossible to do by myself,
I know I must not depend on myself.
The warring between good and evil has started,
something I can no longer handle.
I am finished with you.
You've tried my patience,
Tested my heart,
I am done.
You've shot me down one too many times,
I am done.
You won this war,
I am no more.

a deep breath I take in,
this task at hand is a must,
for I am tired of feeling so dumb.
all of my afflictions aside,
you have no idea how it feels,
to feel so numb.
my heart doesn't matter to you anymore,
these feelings I feel will never be replaced,
for these things above I feel in my core.
You hurt me so,
you care no more,
leave me be for now,
for I cannot handle anymore.