nothing left to lose.

Lately, i've been thinking. Have you ever felt so empty, so lost it seems like you'll never find your way back? I do. I have been for a while. I don't know what to do with myself. God is taking one by one, the most important people and things in my life from me. He's trying to get my attention, and I'm just now seeing that. I wish it wasn't like that. I wish I would've gotten it a long time ago. Next year will be a turning point in my life. Relationships will change, decisions will have to be made. Living on my own strength is exhausting, did you know that? I feel mentally, emotionally and spiritually drained all the time. This isn't meant to be a pity party- venting, perhaps. My life is a whirlwind, with emotions so high and so low, all so close together, it leaves me breathless. God has to be my King, my focus, my life, my everything. When will I finally understand that? He is the answer to all of my questions, problems and difficulties and yet, I still sit here, feeling so dry, so utterly at a loss. It seems all my posts are the same- begging, pleading even, on a blog, nonetheless, for some answer, some type of help from anyone to get my relationship with God back on track. Yet, nothing changes. This summer, this year, this time- things will change. I will be happy with what God blesses me with, truly, purely happy with a joy that only comes from Him. And until then, I pray with all of my heart, that this desire, this wanting of Him, doesn't go away.