anger management

Do you know what makes me mad? Fakers.
They're stupid, idiotic fools who think they know what's going on and that they're tricking you but when really, you know everything and they just don't realize it.
It drives me absolutely insane when you talk about your new friendships and how they're going and yet you and I were friends for how long and it seems to mean nothing to you? I don't get it. What's even worse is that you're goal is to make me feel bad and guess what? It's working. I absolutely despise the fact that everytime you talk about your new friendships I feel like i'm getting slapped in the face because I am longer worth it to you, or was ever worth it in the first place.
Move on, get over it and stop shoving all your issues down my throat. You never wanted me and never will, so just leave me alone.

the female brain.

Ladies,
I wish I could understand better how our minds work as a whole. I know that may sound strange, considering the fact that I am, after all, a girl. But some of you, however, are much more kniving, lying, and sadistic than others; especially when it comes to guys. So instead of letting you in on a little secret of the male's brain, i'm going to help them. I've made a list of five things girls do. We all do it, even myself. It's things we do to guys that we think will make the situation better. However, usually... it does the opposite. So here goes.
1. Girls are liars. All of them. Maybe not the crazy, psychopathic, chronic liars (even that's a stretch because I know a few..) Girls will do anything, and I mean anything, to make you feel bad about yourself, to make you have pity on them, and most of all, for you to say sweet things to them and make them feel better about themselves or the situation at hand. That's how they all roll. Whether or not it's a tiny white lie or a web of lies, girls love to do it.
2. We love to act like everything is just fine. It's an intentional pity party. It's one of those situations where the guy knows that things aren't right, no matter how many "don't worry about me's" and "it's fine, move on's" the girls says. Girls, guys aren't stupid; they know when something is wrong, even when you say everything is fine, because guess what? You don't act like everything is fine. If you're gonna fake it, at least fake it good. And if the one who's accepting all that crap is stupid, then great, you get to deal with him. Ladies: If you have something to say, say it already. Most guys don't like you dancing around the truth or better yet, dancing around the lie and faking it the entire time. Spit it out, whatever it may be. Get it done with, beacause it'll eventually come out.
3. We love to play games. Whether it be lying or saying everything is fine, even though you both know it's not, games are a girls best friend. Trying to see if the guy will be tricked, trying to see if we can mess with their brains and get them to say everything is okay; we try it all.
4. We love to fake it (and by it, I mean everything). The stories we tell you, the lies we tell to get a little pity, everything. But guess what? We can't handle it for that long. Because guess what? We explode. Everytime. Only the crazy ones can take it for such a long time, and even then, it blows up in your face at some point. Girls, if you're gonna fake a relationship, good luck. Because each lie, every situation, will make it worse. He'll start to realize that you're crazy and run so fast you won't know what hit you. Don't tell a guy that everything is fine, that you love him and that you just had a bad day and lie about how you are if later that night, you decide you're going to blow up in his face for the stupidest things or better yet, him not realizing that not everything was okay. Because ladies, I hate to tell you, but guys actually believe you. If you tell them everything is okay, they'll believe you (usually). It's not like when you tell them things are alright, in their heads they're like oh, she's lying I wonder what's really going on. Are you retarded? Just tell the truth already. Most guys will appreciate the truth rather than you dancing around the truth because it'll help both you figure out what the heck is going on.
5. Girls: Don't lie. Just don't. I know in every point, i've talked about lying... but seriously. Just don't. If you have something to say, say it. Don't pretend like everything is okay and better yet, don't put your boyfriend, significant other, whoever this guy is, through hell all the time just because you can't figure out what you want with him. Because I can tell you right now, having a best friend who is a guy, it sucks. They have absolutely no idea what's going on, and are sick and tired of your crap. Get it together, figure out what's going on, tell the truth or just move on. Because you're not helping anyone by acting like a stupid, innocent girl who hasn't a clue as to what is going on.

everyone: I don't want this to come out like all girls are like this. Because let me tell you, they're not. We all lie. It's inevitable; it's sin, it's going to happen. That's under no circumstance an excuse, however, it is what it is. Not all girls are crazy. Not all girls mission is to hurt every guy they come across. But guys, guess what? There are girls like that out there. They consider getting to know guys and hurting them a game, nothing more, nothing less. It's a competition for them and they get pleasure out of it. Secondly, let me be clear: I am under no circumstance a love guru or someone who thinks she has relationships or all girls and guys figured out.. trust me. That's not it at all. This all my opinion, and my opinion only. I've met and gotten to know a few girls like the type of girl everything above describes and they're not so cool. This is just my opinion. I really hope that girls aren't offended by any of this, because that was never my intention. In my opinion, all girls act like this at some point. And my advice to you good guys out there... if you see one of these crazies, stay far away. And if you're with one currently... run. Run fast and hard.

beating heart,

beating heart,
so much to live for.
beating heart,
so much is on the line.
beating heart,
how did everything end up this way?
beating heart,
this pain is something that is hard to control.
beating heart,
my soul is caught up in you.
beating heart,
there is only so much I can do.
beating heart,
so much to die for.

i'll be there.

I want to be the girl that makes you smile, even when your heart is breaking.
I want to be the girl that you know will always be their, even when nobody else is.
I want to be the girl that you thank God for every night, because she loves you more than anyone else.
I want to be the girl that makes you laugh when you want to cry.
You will be the boy that will never leave me and always love me.
You will be the boy that loves God more than you'll ever love me and will always put Him first.
You will the boy that makes me feel like no one else in this world.

I want that boy to come soon.

love

love is simple,
love is never easy.
love is breaking hearts,
love will make one uneasy.
love will bring tears your eyes,
love will fill you with joy.
love will reveal lies,
love can destroy.
love is something that only the Heavenly father allows,
love is something that He allows us to enjoy.
love can be peaceful,
love can be magical.
love is never simple,
love is never easy.
love is.

everything changes,

Lately, things in life have been.. difficult. As time goes by, people change, situations change; most everything is affected by time in some way. I realize I am stating the obvious, but it's affected me recently more than normal. Friendships I thought I'd always have aren't there anymore, but friendships I never thought i'd have in the first place are blooming into life-long relationships. It's a funny thing, relationships. We are such selfish creatures. Nothing is ever enough, but everything doesn't seem to be good enough either. I feel like lately, these things have been bogging (when I use that word, I feel like i'm british:) me down. I take that back. I know they've been keeping me down. I have not been relying on God. Everything I thought I had was taken away from me and I didn't know what to do with myself. Instead of depending on God, what did I do? Depend on myself. Of course. The sinful thing to do. I am tired of being miserable. I am tired of feeling sorry for myself and looking for my self worth in other people. Every time I go down that road, everything is all good and fine for a little while, but that feeling comes back every single time. I feel like i've made the promise to myself so many times of not relying on me anymore and relying on God, but it never seems to follow through. I can't tell you how sick I am of that. It's not fair to live like that. I can't promise someone whom I call my Savior my life, and then give Him some things, but keep the others for myself. That's not how it should be. I'm tired of living this way. I'm tired of letting Satan have his grip on me. It isn't enough and it never will be.

too much to let go of,

today is the day,
a deep breath I take in.
today is the day,
things will finally change.
on my knees,
begging for the courage I so desperately need.
only so much can be taken in,
from the beginning to the end.
she doesn't feel the same way I do,
for it will be something that will never change.
today is the day,
I finally let go.
She was the first,
she will be the last,
that ever got the best of me.
She said she cared for me so,
then turned her back,
and ignored my plea.
today is the day,
where even though I will never understand,
I am finally okay.
because I am free of her,
and can finally breathe again.