this is how I feel.

You've been here with me,
for so long it seems.
This bond we have,
is something beyond my wildest dreams.
I'm sorry for putting you through this mess i'm in,
for it seemed like it was beyond my means.
I thank you so much,
for I could've never done it on my own.
I love you so much,
you are my best friend and always will be.




I hope you know who you are :)

truly within,

I am not who you think I am,
living a lie that only God and I can see.
So much more beneath the surface exists,
nothing you've ever cared to look at.
I feel cold inside,
something I can no longer control.
He has me under is grasp,
something I am ashamed to admit.
Anger has taken over,
for sadness is no more.
Anger is bubbling over the edge,
something I must have the strength to control.
Impossible to do by myself,
I know I must not depend on myself.
The warring between good and evil has started,
something I can no longer handle.
I am finished with you.
You've tried my patience,
Tested my heart,
I am done.
You've shot me down one too many times,
I am done.
You won this war,
I am no more.

a deep breath I take in,
this task at hand is a must,
for I am tired of feeling so dumb.
all of my afflictions aside,
you have no idea how it feels,
to feel so numb.
my heart doesn't matter to you anymore,
these feelings I feel will never be replaced,
for these things above I feel in my core.
You hurt me so,
you care no more,
leave me be for now,
for I cannot handle anymore.

from the bottom of my heart,

tears welling up in my eyes,
I wish I knew what I have done,
if only you would realize.
Pain is something I wish I could prevent,
for I hope things will go back to the way they were,
if only I could make you content.
Faking all of this is something I can no longer do,
I hope that you know how much I love you.

words for the sorrowful.

we've got some thing to sort out,
even though you'd never admit,
so caught up in your world to admit your own doubt.
i'm tired of living this lie,
it's holding me down,
it's not something I can deny.
you and I,
we were close as can be,
but now,
I finally see you never could really see the difference between you and me.
____________________________________________
two friends, lives so close,
how did it all end up like this,
only God knows.
You said you needed time,
I was never good enough,
you said you needed time to shine.
Now that I sit here now,
I only feel deprived of that relationship we once had,
I beg you to tell me what i've done,
because never have I felt so bad.

it's coming down to nothing more than apathy,

I am tired of being pessimistic and apathetic. My attitude on most everything has changed, and I want to fix it. People tell me all the time that I am and i'm sick of it. God created me to be a person filled with Him and His light, not a person with the absence of Him and His light. I used to be such a happy person, and something broke inside of me. I'm not that person anymore, and that needs to change. People telling me this all the freaking time made me realize this. I can't help it if I have morals- it's who I am. If people have an issue with that, they need to either address it or move on. That is never going to change. What is going to change is me and my over-all attitude on life. I'm determined.

dating.

I'm sure you all know exactly what i'm talking about. It's the thing that all fathers seem to despise and the thing that all teenage girls (most of them anyway) love to talk about. Dating. I remember when I was little, I always had the image in my head when I was older and I'd be swept off my feet by that boy. And the rule was always that I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16. But now, it's so weird to imagine that if the opportunity presented itself, I would have that privilege. Even if that is the case, I personally know that right now isn't a good time for me to be in a relationship. I know that with a full heart and try to live with that in mind every day, but it's hard at times. Most of my friends are seniors and lately it seems that within our circle of friends, love has been in the air... For everyone except me. It's especially hard when it's supposed to be a 'girls' night, but they're all texting there boys, reading cute texts that they've sent aloud, all the while, I get a text from my mom saying I need to be home within the hour. Sound romantic? It's not. This topic has always been something i've been passionate about. The idea of an actual courtship is so foreign to most people these days, and I find that so sad. Being involved in one night stands and affairs seems so much more common than the idea of having an actual relationship; the action of getting to know one another, learning to love each other and staying pure before marriage. I've seen how making that mistake that takes a toll on people one too many times, and that's something I don't even want to feel. The utter hurt within there soul and the pain that he or she just can't seem to escape. I made the decision a long time ago that I would remain pure before marriage, no matter the cost or circumstance. But after seeing how easily ones mind is swayed, even if he or she may be a God-loving, God-seeking follower of Christ, I refuse to believe that making a commitment is enough. Temptation is inevitable in some situations, but I will not put myself into those situations. In those cases, Satan is looking for any opportunity to put a seed of doubt in my head, and I refuse to let him. When I made that promise years ago, not only did I promise to stay physically pure, but mentally pure as well. I will not give over my feelings to a boy in high school. And I feel like in saying this, I may come off super confident, but let me tell you, it's hard. I try as hard as I can to surround myself with good, Christian influences at school, but let's face it, i'm not going to always be around those types of people. And when i'm not, guess what happens? Satan attacks. I've had conversations with girlfriends of mine about different guys at school, and you know what every single one of them says, every single time? 'Taylor, you're such a prude. If you think he's cute, just sleep with him.' I refuse to live like that, living in our society's way, because you know what? Living the way God wants me to live may cause a little heartache, but living the way the world wants me to live, i'm putting my soul on the line, and that's something I refuse to do.