heart is troubled, faith is small.

Today in church, we talked about faith. I had a realization; something that i'd been thinking about for a long time now. My faith is lacking. I realize i'm stating the obvious. Everyone's faith lack's at some point. It's part of our human nature- our uncanny ability to believe the lies so strongly, yet doubt the truth in an even stronger manner. I live my life so uncaringly towards God. I have no regard for how it will affect my relationship with Him, or what little of that relationship there is left; I don't even care. My desire is gone, my relationship with Jesus no longer full and vibrant, but rather dull and non-existent. I want to change this. I do. I'm tired of feeling empty. I'm tired of sitting at school, letting people assume i'm the Christian girl who reads her Bible and prays before tests and who feels convicted when someone says a bad word. That is a lie. I am not that person, and haven't been for a while. But, I should be. I think about it every night when I'm trying to sleep, and I just can't figure why I don't just start trying. That's all it takes. How can I be so lazy as to not try and have a relationship with Christ when a good percentage of the people I know are going straight to hell when they die and i'm not doing anything about it? It's not right; it's not how it should be. I know better, I know exactly what I need to be doing, but i'm not doing anything at all. It's stupid, idiotic and selfish, and I don't know how to fix it.

humanity.

black heart,
cold as ice.
plauged mind,
no thoughts too nice.
my selfish heart,
nothing will ever suffice.
lifeless form,
I am captive to this vice.
souls at stake,
no need to roll the dice.
perfection encompassed in your life,
no one but you could pay the price.

these faces haunt my dreams late at night,
these voices never leaving my head.
these words are unseeing,
and I am unbelieving.
all the while,
time is fleeting.
tick, tock,
tick, tock,
the clock ticks.
nothing will be bring it back,
nothing will save me from myself.
To rely on oneself and keep in the black,
To rely on Him,
the answer is obvious,
yet I hestitate.
this face haunts me in my dreams late at night,
this voice never leaves my head,
these words are unseeing,
and yet I am still unbelieving.

breaking even

waiting through life like it's another day,
when will you realize you have to be happy with how God has it until you find your happiness within someone else?
going through the motions like nothing is wrong,
only few see your tears late at night.
you're hoping you'll be okay soon,
even knowing exactly what has to be done.
holding out hope for someone that will never love you,
when will you realize it isn't about her?
your heart is like glass,
so pure and clear,
yet so fragile and breakable.
the war between your hearts desire and reality has started,
I haven't the power it.
Letting go of you; the hardest thing i'll ever have to do.
Trusting God is what I have to do; knowing you'll come back if it's in His will.
Letting go of you; my heart breaks.
Never knowing what to do, never knowing what to say.
Breath in,
breath out,
in the end,
even if you're gone,
it will be okay.

mere thoughts

your heart is in distress,
your eyes filled with sorrow.
my heart breaks for you; something i'll never be able to oppress.
if only my love was enough,
to take you away from this abyss.
she breaks your heart with her every move,
she never falters in your eyes, never fails to impress.
to take away your disaapointment,
to fix this mess,
is my only goal.
I tried my best,
to mask your pain,
but never had success.
I tried my best,
to take away the mark she's left on you,
but never passed the test.
Anger is rooted deep within my heart,
something I will always detest.
To see you hurt and full of pain,
will always be something I protest.

heartbreak warfare

the difference between love and lust is something hard to comprehend,
one can feel so much,
but never fully mend.
it's seen in my eyes,
everytime you look at me.
but, I don't need your lies.
you told me once you've never love again,
she had taken all you had and threw it away.
yet, the way you look at Her now is too much for me to take.
you say you love her so; my eyes well at the thought.
this is something I can no longer fake.
your words of kindness are only pity, nothing more.
you've won this war; there is nothing you can do to take away this ache.

anger management

Do you know what makes me mad? Fakers.
They're stupid, idiotic fools who think they know what's going on and that they're tricking you but when really, you know everything and they just don't realize it.
It drives me absolutely insane when you talk about your new friendships and how they're going and yet you and I were friends for how long and it seems to mean nothing to you? I don't get it. What's even worse is that you're goal is to make me feel bad and guess what? It's working. I absolutely despise the fact that everytime you talk about your new friendships I feel like i'm getting slapped in the face because I am longer worth it to you, or was ever worth it in the first place.
Move on, get over it and stop shoving all your issues down my throat. You never wanted me and never will, so just leave me alone.