words for the sorrowful.

we've got some thing to sort out,
even though you'd never admit,
so caught up in your world to admit your own doubt.
i'm tired of living this lie,
it's holding me down,
it's not something I can deny.
you and I,
we were close as can be,
but now,
I finally see you never could really see the difference between you and me.
____________________________________________
two friends, lives so close,
how did it all end up like this,
only God knows.
You said you needed time,
I was never good enough,
you said you needed time to shine.
Now that I sit here now,
I only feel deprived of that relationship we once had,
I beg you to tell me what i've done,
because never have I felt so bad.

it's coming down to nothing more than apathy,

I am tired of being pessimistic and apathetic. My attitude on most everything has changed, and I want to fix it. People tell me all the time that I am and i'm sick of it. God created me to be a person filled with Him and His light, not a person with the absence of Him and His light. I used to be such a happy person, and something broke inside of me. I'm not that person anymore, and that needs to change. People telling me this all the freaking time made me realize this. I can't help it if I have morals- it's who I am. If people have an issue with that, they need to either address it or move on. That is never going to change. What is going to change is me and my over-all attitude on life. I'm determined.

dating.

I'm sure you all know exactly what i'm talking about. It's the thing that all fathers seem to despise and the thing that all teenage girls (most of them anyway) love to talk about. Dating. I remember when I was little, I always had the image in my head when I was older and I'd be swept off my feet by that boy. And the rule was always that I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16. But now, it's so weird to imagine that if the opportunity presented itself, I would have that privilege. Even if that is the case, I personally know that right now isn't a good time for me to be in a relationship. I know that with a full heart and try to live with that in mind every day, but it's hard at times. Most of my friends are seniors and lately it seems that within our circle of friends, love has been in the air... For everyone except me. It's especially hard when it's supposed to be a 'girls' night, but they're all texting there boys, reading cute texts that they've sent aloud, all the while, I get a text from my mom saying I need to be home within the hour. Sound romantic? It's not. This topic has always been something i've been passionate about. The idea of an actual courtship is so foreign to most people these days, and I find that so sad. Being involved in one night stands and affairs seems so much more common than the idea of having an actual relationship; the action of getting to know one another, learning to love each other and staying pure before marriage. I've seen how making that mistake that takes a toll on people one too many times, and that's something I don't even want to feel. The utter hurt within there soul and the pain that he or she just can't seem to escape. I made the decision a long time ago that I would remain pure before marriage, no matter the cost or circumstance. But after seeing how easily ones mind is swayed, even if he or she may be a God-loving, God-seeking follower of Christ, I refuse to believe that making a commitment is enough. Temptation is inevitable in some situations, but I will not put myself into those situations. In those cases, Satan is looking for any opportunity to put a seed of doubt in my head, and I refuse to let him. When I made that promise years ago, not only did I promise to stay physically pure, but mentally pure as well. I will not give over my feelings to a boy in high school. And I feel like in saying this, I may come off super confident, but let me tell you, it's hard. I try as hard as I can to surround myself with good, Christian influences at school, but let's face it, i'm not going to always be around those types of people. And when i'm not, guess what happens? Satan attacks. I've had conversations with girlfriends of mine about different guys at school, and you know what every single one of them says, every single time? 'Taylor, you're such a prude. If you think he's cute, just sleep with him.' I refuse to live like that, living in our society's way, because you know what? Living the way God wants me to live may cause a little heartache, but living the way the world wants me to live, i'm putting my soul on the line, and that's something I refuse to do.

photography

So recently, in taking tons of pictures for both my highschool newspaper and yearbook, i've discovered a new passion of mine. Photography. I've always loved taking pictures, but with the hugely expensive cameras and zoom lenses that I get to use, i've discovered it's even more fun taking pictures with that equipment. My favorite thing to take pictures of is swim and dive. It's crazy how good some of the pictures come out. For example, here's one:

beating hearts

tied together in a perfect bow,
you and me were.
little did we know,
things were soon to be broken.
A shattered heart I had, never had I felt so low.

tied together with a smile,
you said you loved me so.
as I sit here now,
Never have I felt so low.

about the truth

Do I really worship God?

Do I 'worship' him with my mouth, or with my actions?

Do I 'worship' him with the song of my lips, or the song of my life?

Do I 'worship' him for 20 minutes on Sunday morning, or do I worship Him all day, every day?

Do I 'worship' him thinking that He can't see right through me, or do I acknowledge him for the God he is?

Do I 'worship' him with sin in my heart, or do I worship him with a repentant heart?

Do I 'worship' him with my nose in the air, or my face on the ground?

Do I 'worship' him with my fleshly deception, or in spirit and truth?

Is my faith dead, or am I a living sacrifice?

Do I really worship God?


I need to think about this every single day. Because if i'm not, then I have a problem.

it's taking me down; He's taking me down.

I feel terrible right now. These past few weeks have been nothing but craziness, and after a day like this, all I feel like doing is curling into a ball and shedding every tear I have in my body. It seems everything in my life right now is falling apart. Certain relationships, certain situations... I just don't know what to do anymore. Lately me and one of my really close friends were talking and I just couldn't stand it anymore. I feel like he's always (figures. it WOULD be a guy) pointing out my flaws. From my habits and how I tend to be pessimistic at times to the little things I do, so many of the different things I do he seems to have an issue with. In my family, we're financially struggling (then again, who isn't?) and it just seems to add to the stress of everything else. Every little thing I say or they say sets one of us off, and the next thing you know, we're all in bad moods in the midst of fights. It's only second week of school and I already feel myself being worn thin. From newspaper and yearbook editor meetings to the the square root of pie, I am already feeling exhausted. Just writing this right now, I feel like weeping. I don't know what to do. God seems to be farther and farther away, and I don't know what to do about it.