the lesson of the summer//summercamp '10

Every year, I usually post kind of a reflection I guess on what I learned at summer camp. It's usually long. This year it's a different story. What I learned this year is simple, uncomplicated and something that every Christ follower should know regardless of how much they hear it. We are children of God. Most days, that sounds almost ordinary, typical and somewhat repetitive because we hear it all the time, at church, at small group and from our mentors. But it's not ordinary, in fact, it's quite the opposite. We are children of the God who controls everything on this planet, the creator of everything ever in existence. Can anyone say that's quite mind boggling? I think so. One would think that something that obvious wouldn't be so surprising or maybe not such a big deal, but I beg to differ. To realize that Jesus has given me the opportunity to follow Him, even after I sin against Him over and over and over again takes my breath away. I don't deserve anything; nothing that I do will every be enough to satisfy what had to be done on the cross. That fact alone should make you want to stop and think, because we aren't worth it, never will be, but yet Jesus Christ died on that cross for you and for me

fader.

You say you need something more,
someone to fill that void,
someone to console your soul,
if you'd realize someone was there,
someone who truly wanted you,
other than her,
would you even care?
As I sit here now,
nothing you do or say takes away how I feel.
How feelings can change so quickly,
i'll always wonder how.
One can only take so much,
one's heart can only deny for so long,
how I feel for you is something you could never take away.
If you looked at me on the street,
would you even realize it was me?
Recognition flashing on your face,
then fading as quickly as it came,
you'd never know.

nothing left to lose.

Lately, i've been thinking. Have you ever felt so empty, so lost it seems like you'll never find your way back? I do. I have been for a while. I don't know what to do with myself. God is taking one by one, the most important people and things in my life from me. He's trying to get my attention, and I'm just now seeing that. I wish it wasn't like that. I wish I would've gotten it a long time ago. Next year will be a turning point in my life. Relationships will change, decisions will have to be made. Living on my own strength is exhausting, did you know that? I feel mentally, emotionally and spiritually drained all the time. This isn't meant to be a pity party- venting, perhaps. My life is a whirlwind, with emotions so high and so low, all so close together, it leaves me breathless. God has to be my King, my focus, my life, my everything. When will I finally understand that? He is the answer to all of my questions, problems and difficulties and yet, I still sit here, feeling so dry, so utterly at a loss. It seems all my posts are the same- begging, pleading even, on a blog, nonetheless, for some answer, some type of help from anyone to get my relationship with God back on track. Yet, nothing changes. This summer, this year, this time- things will change. I will be happy with what God blesses me with, truly, purely happy with a joy that only comes from Him. And until then, I pray with all of my heart, that this desire, this wanting of Him, doesn't go away.

heart is troubled, faith is small.

Today in church, we talked about faith. I had a realization; something that i'd been thinking about for a long time now. My faith is lacking. I realize i'm stating the obvious. Everyone's faith lack's at some point. It's part of our human nature- our uncanny ability to believe the lies so strongly, yet doubt the truth in an even stronger manner. I live my life so uncaringly towards God. I have no regard for how it will affect my relationship with Him, or what little of that relationship there is left; I don't even care. My desire is gone, my relationship with Jesus no longer full and vibrant, but rather dull and non-existent. I want to change this. I do. I'm tired of feeling empty. I'm tired of sitting at school, letting people assume i'm the Christian girl who reads her Bible and prays before tests and who feels convicted when someone says a bad word. That is a lie. I am not that person, and haven't been for a while. But, I should be. I think about it every night when I'm trying to sleep, and I just can't figure why I don't just start trying. That's all it takes. How can I be so lazy as to not try and have a relationship with Christ when a good percentage of the people I know are going straight to hell when they die and i'm not doing anything about it? It's not right; it's not how it should be. I know better, I know exactly what I need to be doing, but i'm not doing anything at all. It's stupid, idiotic and selfish, and I don't know how to fix it.

humanity.

black heart,
cold as ice.
plauged mind,
no thoughts too nice.
my selfish heart,
nothing will ever suffice.
lifeless form,
I am captive to this vice.
souls at stake,
no need to roll the dice.
perfection encompassed in your life,
no one but you could pay the price.

these faces haunt my dreams late at night,
these voices never leaving my head.
these words are unseeing,
and I am unbelieving.
all the while,
time is fleeting.
tick, tock,
tick, tock,
the clock ticks.
nothing will be bring it back,
nothing will save me from myself.
To rely on oneself and keep in the black,
To rely on Him,
the answer is obvious,
yet I hestitate.
this face haunts me in my dreams late at night,
this voice never leaves my head,
these words are unseeing,
and yet I am still unbelieving.

breaking even

waiting through life like it's another day,
when will you realize you have to be happy with how God has it until you find your happiness within someone else?
going through the motions like nothing is wrong,
only few see your tears late at night.
you're hoping you'll be okay soon,
even knowing exactly what has to be done.
holding out hope for someone that will never love you,
when will you realize it isn't about her?
your heart is like glass,
so pure and clear,
yet so fragile and breakable.
the war between your hearts desire and reality has started,
I haven't the power it.
Letting go of you; the hardest thing i'll ever have to do.
Trusting God is what I have to do; knowing you'll come back if it's in His will.
Letting go of you; my heart breaks.
Never knowing what to do, never knowing what to say.
Breath in,
breath out,
in the end,
even if you're gone,
it will be okay.